From Brené Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart:
“Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other-it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out.”
Comparison says, “Be like everyone else, but better.”
Brené quotes Frank Fujita, who writes: “In general, however, frequent social comparisons are not associated with life satisfaction or the positive emotions of love and joy but are associated with the negative emotions of fear, anger, shame and sadness.”
From the Gifts of Imperfection, also by Brené Brown:
Guidepost #6: Cultivating creativity and letting go of comparison.
Comparison is a creativity killer. Comparison is the thief of happiness.
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This passage blew me away because it describes the world of classical music so well. It gave me new insight into one of the core reasons that musicians can be so hard on themselves. Guess what: Comparison is baked into our culture! Think back to music school. Look at orchestral auditions; they are the epitome of “Be like everyone else, but better.” This world of comparison is bad for people. It leads to common beliefs like “Good player=good person, bad player=bad person.” It leads to a constant evaluation of your self worth based on your last performance. You are only as good as your playing. It makes us afraid to take risks and explore our own musicality and expression. It makes us afraid to drop our hyper vigilant lifestyle of policing ourselves because if we don’t push ourselves, we will become a “bad player.”
Comparison does indeed lead to fear, anger, shame, and sadness, yet the culture of classical music is based on comparison. “Be like everyone else, but better” stopped me in my tracks. Not only does it speak to “fitting in” in the music world, but it also speaks to the coping mechanisms of my childhood. “Fit in, don’t rock the boat, but excel. Be better than.” Competition was not overt or explicit, but I have literally felt, in my body, the “crush of conformity from one side, and competition from the other.” It has kept me small. It has kept me silent. It has made me feel alone. It has made me feel shame, and kept my stomach in knots.
Brené writes: Comparison is actually not an emotion, but it drives all sorts of big feelings that can affect our relationships and our self-worth. This lack of awareness can lead to us showing up in ways that are hurtful to ourselves and others.” How do we get out of “comparing mind”? Awareness, yes. Looking at how this has affected you in the past. Brené’s way out of this mindset: look at the “other”, wish them well, and stay in your lane. Focus on your own work, effort, curiosity, and the joy of what you are doing.
Have a good concert/practice session/audition/concert.