Here is a video I made for the American Viola Society Artist in Residence series, and I wanted to post it here as well.
I'd like to get a conversation going around the role of trauma in performance anxiety. Understanding more about trauma responses and looking at and healing our own trauma allows us to bring our whole selves to the stage. Which leads to greater satisfaction with the entire process of playing and performing.
I was listening to an interview with Joan Ryan, a sports journalist who wrote Little Girls in Pretty Boxes: The Making and Breaking of Elite Gymnasts and Figure Skaters, and this his quote from the interview stopped me in my tracks: “When a judge’s score decides who wins or loses, perfection becomes the goal.” If you are in the classical music world, you know that perfectionism is a huge issue. The culture values “perfect”, yet it is never attainable. How does maladaptive perfectionism present in classical music?
Being overly critical of your performances, to the point where you can’t objectively evaluate your work
Working/practicing excessively in order to be “perfect”
Setting excessively high standards for performance (if you don’t sound like a Deutsche Grammaphone recording artist, you suck)
Experiencing high levels of anxiety because you believe that you won’t belong/will be shunned if you don’t play well enough.
Believing that bad playing=bad person, good playing=good person
Debilitating anxiety brought on by the fear of making mistakes in lessons, master class, or public
Think back to your music education. From the very beginning there were all region orchestra auditions, seating auditions, all-county orchestra auditions, all-state auditions, college auditions, and eventually, professional orchestra auditions. It seems strange to think about “winning” music. But, we have been ranked since the very beginning, and our self-worth often becomes tied to our placement. “When the judge’s score determines who wins, perfectionism becomes the goal.” The only thing we learn to focus on is the lack of mistakes. All of this in the pursuit of belonging. It is a primal need, and the fear of not being good enough to belong is real. We hustle to do whatever it takes (playing through physical pain, taking verbally abusive feedback from teachers focused on high performance results, playing it safe so that we don’t “mess up”, thus never reaching our potential as whole individuals), so that we will belong and be worthy.
I was talking about the Joan Ryan quote with some orchestra colleagues, and we all agreed that we do need a high level of “perfection” in order to be together or syncronized. But then I thought, we need precision, but not perfection. We all agreed that we are happy to rehearse and work hard to get the orchestra playing well together, but in the interest of the music, not perfection. I’ve worked with conductors who focused on perfection, and the culture often felt somewhat punitive. It did not take the humanity of the musicians into account. (ok, granted, there is a spectrum…)
To me, precision is something we musicians are happy to work for. Perfection has such bad connotations and baggage, often because we have felt, in our bones, the deep fatigue and anguish that comes from the hustle of trying to appear perfect.
This brings me to another quote I was introduced to recently that speaks to precision vs perfection:
“It is possible to recover from work. But it is impossible to recover from the pressure to perform.” Byung-Chul Han
We’re not afraid of hard work. In fact, I’d say most of us enjoy the challenge. But, we can’t thrive under the constant pressure of trying to be perfect. Valuing perfection above all becomes a cage.
The next time you find your inner perfectionist kick in, can you trust the precision that you’ve practiced, thus freeing you up to enter into the process of connecting with yourself and the music, creating a richer and more fulfilling experience? It’s a practice.
I've become really interested in the power of language, and how often the word choices carry inherent bias.
Examples: child prostitute, unwed mother, slave vs enslaved, manmade, etc.
As I look more and more at the world through a trauma informed lens, I wonder if the phrase "Performance Anxiety" could use some examination.
One's "performance anxiety" is the tip of the iceberg; the part that we see and feel while, well, performing.
But really it's a combination of so many things:
our current state of mental health,
how we feel about ourselves,
trauma that has not been healed or even yet identified,
how we feel about our preparedness,
our ability to receive support.
cultural expectations, or our perceived cultural expectations.”
While wondering about the link between language and solutions, I received this wisdom from Lily Sutton: “How we conceive of a “problem,” how we define it, determines whether it is solvable, and guides the process for coming to the solution. “Performance anxiety” implies that the source of the problem is the current situation, but the roots of the problem can be a different story. A new definition invites new possibilities. Any problem can be approached with curiosity and respect for what’s known and what is yet to be learned.”
I’d love to hear how you might rename “Performance Anxiety”. In claiming it, we can start to empower ourselves and find our own solutions. Hope to hear from you.
From Brené Brown’s book Atlas of the Heart:
“Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other-it’s trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out.”
Comparison says, “Be like everyone else, but better.”
Brené quotes Frank Fujita, who writes: “In general, however, frequent social comparisons are not associated with life satisfaction or the positive emotions of love and joy but are associated with the negative emotions of fear, anger, shame and sadness.”
From the Gifts of Imperfection, also by Brené Brown:
Guidepost #6: Cultivating creativity and letting go of comparison.
Comparison is a creativity killer. Comparison is the thief of happiness.
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This passage blew me away because it describes the world of classical music so well. It gave me new insight into one of the core reasons that musicians can be so hard on themselves. Guess what: Comparison is baked into our culture! Think back to music school. Look at orchestral auditions; they are the epitome of “Be like everyone else, but better.” This world of comparison is bad for people. It leads to common beliefs like “Good player=good person, bad player=bad person.” It leads to a constant evaluation of your self worth based on your last performance. You are only as good as your playing. It makes us afraid to take risks and explore our own musicality and expression. It makes us afraid to drop our hyper vigilant lifestyle of policing ourselves because if we don’t push ourselves, we will become a “bad player.”
Comparison does indeed lead to fear, anger, shame, and sadness, yet the culture of classical music is based on comparison. “Be like everyone else, but better” stopped me in my tracks. Not only does it speak to “fitting in” in the music world, but it also speaks to the coping mechanisms of my childhood. “Fit in, don’t rock the boat, but excel. Be better than.” Competition was not overt or explicit, but I have literally felt, in my body, the “crush of conformity from one side, and competition from the other.” It has kept me small. It has kept me silent. It has made me feel alone. It has made me feel shame, and kept my stomach in knots.
Brené writes: Comparison is actually not an emotion, but it drives all sorts of big feelings that can affect our relationships and our self-worth. This lack of awareness can lead to us showing up in ways that are hurtful to ourselves and others.” How do we get out of “comparing mind”? Awareness, yes. Looking at how this has affected you in the past. Brené’s way out of this mindset: look at the “other”, wish them well, and stay in your lane. Focus on your own work, effort, curiosity, and the joy of what you are doing.
Have a good concert/practice session/audition/concert.
A few years ago I wondered about a link between childhood trauma and performance anxiety in musicians. I started doing some research and talking to other professional musicians about their experiences. Interestingly, the world of classical music has taken a lot of information from sports psychology and adapted it to training and performing. However, you can do all of the adversity training you want, but if something triggers you, before you know it you are in a trauma response.
A trauma response is different than “nerves.” People who are undergoing a trauma response while playing will say things like “Suddenly it’s like a switch flipped, and I could barely play”, or “I was totally out of my body”, or a seasoned performer may say “I’ve been playing and performing too long to still have these issues! What’s going on?”
Here are some questions I had and have been learning about:
When is anxiety “nerves”, and when is it a trauma response?
What is happening in the brain when I am in a trauma response?
How does the orchestra and music school culture contribute?
Can I heal past trauma?
These are questions that I have been researching over the last couple of years. When I was in music school in the late ‘80’s and ‘90’s, playing injuries were not talked about. If someone had tendonitis or carpal tunnel, they must be doing something wrong. People avoid talking about it. Fortunately, that topic has become normalized, and no one would be surprised to find musician health workshops offered at summer music programs and colleges. The area of trauma is currently where playing injuries used to be: no one is talking about the role of trauma in the musician and how it relates to performance anxiety.
Follow me on my journey as I dig into this topic. I’ll be honored to have you along.